Starting to feel lost again...

I had a rant that didn't make sense...but you know me.... I always have to throw in the details... even if the wrong people read it... and the right people too :D

So all is going pretty good life wise, I'm working on the loader and watching the recycle yard and compost yard. Making pretty good money, The car works great, and I decided to finance a really good computer instead of going through the hassle of building one.

I get alot of comments and stuff about how good looking I am.... FUCKING LIES...
I just went through every fucking picture that I own.... From high school to fucking now.... WHY...WHY THE FUCK DID I THINK I WAS FAT THEN??? I was the perfect size... I was 220 pounds... fucking perfect... that's all I needed...220 pounds... mostly muscle...a little chubby in the tummy...that's it...
Then at about 19, I was really proud of how good looking I was.... I see some pictures and I'm like...WHOA... I looked like that? And I know I could look like that again....
But I looked at pictures from before I met courteney basically.... And then I started to look at recent pictures...and in comparison I'm FUCKING huge!!! I mean, I'm not monstrously huge or anything... But I'm fucking big compared to what I used to be.... I would be considered overly obese.... and it's not fun anymore.... It's not fucking cool.... I don't want this... I've been working on it...but it's fucking hard...and if I wasn't so stupid, and didn't go out with that stupid fast food obsessed bitch I would most likely be awesome like I was before.... It's heartbreaking... I saw some pics of her recently...wow.

I never realized how upset I was until now... I think this is what triggered the sudden depression...lol...
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I feel so foolish...
Basically, I have jumped into a relationship with Lindsay, and I feel confident that we would be a good couple.... Key word Confident.... I want to be POSITIVE... but I can't be positive until she is here on her visit next month....so I'm nervous for that...
I'm finding that our msn conversations are slowing... like... I tried not starting a conversation.... and nothing is typed... at all... that scares me... I mean, sure two people can't have conversations everynight for weeks and then NOT run out of things...

It's just... I don't know, I think alot of her, and she's coming over next month to try a trial visit... and I am excited for it. If it works out, then she will be moving here in September/Octoberish..... there's always the question of "what if?"... what if we would make a good couple? What if we would have a long lasting happy relationship? or better yet, what if she is the one??

The same goes for her though... I mean, she appears to be like crazy in love with me...why? I suppose she claimed that the few times we hung out in the past, she was really attracted to me.... but is She jumping into things to fast? Is this something She will regret?? who the hell knows....

Everything is going perfectly...

OK! So I was starting to get pretty stressed financially. Because as a casual employee with public works I was only making 12.30 an hour...which barely feeds a person out here...let alone pay the bills. So I was getting stressed until a bid for a permanent job becomes available, I bid on that and get it and my wage goes to 18.60 an hour. They paid for me to take an air brakes course. PLUS! They paid for me to take a loader operator course. :D

So I'm working in the loader now, It's TOTALLY fun! You basically are controlling a life size tonka toy, No more being a kid with an imagination...this is the real deal.

Jeff, Adam and I are going to be renting this big, beautiful 4 bedroom house as of august. The band is going to thrive on this. And Jono is coming in February!!! I'm soooo excited! :)

Anyhoo, I'm gonna play a computer game until lindz comes online....laterz!

Totally lying...

She's so awesome!!! I feel like I've known her forever.

After a few days of talking... We have alot more in common than I thought!!! I'm totally in heart right now. Can't wait to get her out here! (She's in ontario.)

Kinda worried...

I find myself almost scared to get into another relationship...
I mean, I like Lindsay, she seems like a sweetheart...but Do I know her??? Not 100 percent, everything about her so far has been awesome...

Am I jumping into things too soon again???

I mean, since I've moved I've had other girls tell me that they want to move and be with me and yadayada... And I didn't act on that...because I wasn't comfortable with these girls. And then Lindsay told me that she was thinking about me all yesterday and talked about me, and it was the same way with me....

She's extremely social though... I kinda am... Our tastes in music differ...that plays a huge role for me.... I just can't listen to dance music in the country or hip hop genre... I know she's into some metal though.

I'm kinda scared....fuck... lol

No longer single!

I'm now officially going out with like omfg the coolest girl ever :D

Her name is Lindsay, and she's a sweetheart :)

She's in Ontario right now, but she's moving here very soon. And we're going to go on a trip to Banff!!! :D The pics john and wendy took were really gorgeous, I need to see that place again. It's been about 14 years!!!

I'm really excited!

Cha Ching!

So I got called into le big bosses office today. And he told me that they wanted to offer me a position as a "permanent"... which means I get the regular wage and sweetass benefits. So today my wage went from 12.3 an hour to 18.6 an hour...They also will be training me on a loader, And after that my wage goes to 22.5 !!!

:) I think everything should be fine from now on....lol!

I don't understand...

I don't get it... I could potentially have a huge pay increase this upcoming week. I have a nice room in a decent house.

I think John and Wendy are bothered by this, Maybe they expected that I would liven up they're lives??? Fuck that....

I'm looking forward to jamming...

It's funny though, I'm surrounded by people. All the time, everyday, Yet I feel incredibly alone....it's messed up.

I must admit though, that I am stressed out because I spend my money as if I've already recieved the pay raise, although I haven't.

I love my car, I need to get it paid off as soon as possible. None the less I won't say that I don't regret getting it. It is a huge financial hassle that I just kinda popped into my current financial situation....but I still love it though.... I'm all about the Nissan's.

Coil - Opeth

1. Coil

[Mikael Akerfeldt:]
She told me why
She told me lies
Always take care of this

I told her how
I've always stayed
Always waiting

For nothing

[x2]
When I get out of here
When I leave you behind
I'll find that the years passed us by

And I can, see you
Running through the fields of sorrow
Yes I can, see you
Running through the fields of sorrow

(Nathalie Lorichs)

When you get out of here
When you leave me behind
You'll find that the years passed us by

When you get out of here
When you leave me behind
You'll find that those years passed us by

And I can, see you
Running through the fields of sorrow
Yes I can, see you
Running through the fields of sorrow

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From the new album Watershed....Amazing...