sooooo...woo...

So the same stuff has been going on lately as the last post...

I'll be driving the street sweeper this spring for clean up, I actually don't really want too but what the hell. It's another machine I'll learn how to operate. I've been talking alot about concrete this summer and how jay expects me to go on mudjacking... I said I would consider it...that doesn't mean yes. Poor guy is most likely going to get a shock when I choose landscaping or something else. but who knows. I know if I choose something that he isn't the foreman for, He and some others won't look at me the same anymore, It shouldn't be like that... but... I've come to terms with it. It's my choice, and I shouldn't feel obligated to work in a section that I don't really want too, just because I'm worried about disappointing jay. He's not my dad.

I went to J-bobs this weekend for a visit, it was nice. We just talked about what was new and work and shit. I think if there was anybody I'd like to hang out with more from the band, It's him.

He and I talked about where the band is going and how we need to start jamming again, it was pretty straight forward. Just jam casually, have a good time. And then John came to visit and started talking about treating it like a business and blahblahblahbullshit. Then he said that adam had issues with us and blahblahblahbullshit. Then he said that he had some too, and sometimes he questioned how seriously Jono and I took the band.

I sat there quietly and replied with a simple "I don't" ... lol... this bothered him. I hadn't told him why I don't.

here are a few reasons:
-Nobody else obviously does
-Any shows we've played, we'd finish our set and they would all fuck off and get high while Jono and I stuck around and met people.
-Showing up retardedly late for jams, Jono and I wouldn't say anything and then we'd show up 30 minutes late to some pissed off people. The same people who were late on many other occasions.
-cancelling for dumb reasons.
-Not jamming for weeks at a time, and then getting random calls about jamming in a couple hours... Not going to work... I've said it 1000 fuckin' times, And all I got was whining about saying no and how my committment was being questioned. So I just ignored the phone calls, and of course... that became an issue too.
and the list goes on...

The simple fact is this, We are all too busy, We are all too tired, and we are all too old to take this band thing seriously. But it is a part of what we do. So I'm down with jamming casually, getting some decent recordings. Maybe playing a show here and there, and sending a demo off and hoping to get a call back. But I don't take it seriously anymore, and I don't think I ever will again.

We'll see what happens.

2 years later....

So random update... I totally forgot about lj and this blog. It was fun to read the entries again though.
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WORK:
So after working in the yards and in the loader. I bid on an operator position, and got it. I got the class three licence and when winter came I had the choice of working afternoon shift 3:30 - 11:30. Or night shift, I chose nightshift which was 11 - 7 because it worked best for the band. I somewhat regret that decision to be honest, because now I feel almost obligated to go on nightshift.

I started on nights and by the end of the season I was getting along with my foreman and workmates just fine. I decided to stick with this crew, So when summer came and we all got to choose our jobs. I chose concrete, The concrete work was much harder, much more productive than the others. Which was fine, because I got a good workout. However, at times I felt as though the work that was being done went unnoticed, and the work that was missed was being exaggerated to the fullest. In otherwords, things would only be said when we weren't able to keep up.
And knowing me, always trying to impress people. This only made me feel useless and extremely bitter. This was noticed by Lindsay and Jono, So this year, I told my boss that I'm not going to bid on concrete, he tried negotiating the possibility of me working in another dept. that he runs. I'm thinking about it as I would still get to see the crew, but I wouldn't have to work with them.
My foreman was saying that if all other positions are filled then I should bid on concrete and he'll transfer me... This is where it comes down to trust, If I bid on concrete, then I'm on that crew officially... and it's his choice on what I do and where I go. I could take a shot at something else, As shocked as my foreman may be. I told him that I wasn't going too... and he just kinda decided on his own what I will do. So I'm thinking of just bidding on something else...suprise! :D
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LIFE:
Since I started working midnights in winter and concrete in summer. I've found that my motivation is limited. I think back to when I moved here, I wanted to get outside. And now I'm just kinda here... I would rather sit inside at all times. Sometimes I feel as though I zone out for huge periods of time.

My finances are more now, and I think that they could be related. I realized how much money I owed on all my stuff, so I just went into a mode where I just work, and come home. pay my bills and wait it out, they'll be paid off eventually.

Lately I've been a little more motivated to make larger payments instead of nickel and diming my bank account with dumb stuff like movies and video games.

I'm starting to feel as though my work and my life are melding together in a negative fashion.

Maybe it's time to find a new job???
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LOVE:
I don't think she's enjoying her time here, I've failed to provide any reason to stay... yet she does. It doesn't make sense, but in a way it makes me happy. I think I'd be miserable knowing that she wasn't around. Sounds like love to me...
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I'm bored of this, I'll update later.

Starting to feel lost again...

I had a rant that didn't make sense...but you know me.... I always have to throw in the details... even if the wrong people read it... and the right people too :D

So all is going pretty good life wise, I'm working on the loader and watching the recycle yard and compost yard. Making pretty good money, The car works great, and I decided to finance a really good computer instead of going through the hassle of building one.

I get alot of comments and stuff about how good looking I am.... FUCKING LIES...
I just went through every fucking picture that I own.... From high school to fucking now.... WHY...WHY THE FUCK DID I THINK I WAS FAT THEN??? I was the perfect size... I was 220 pounds... fucking perfect... that's all I needed...220 pounds... mostly muscle...a little chubby in the tummy...that's it...
Then at about 19, I was really proud of how good looking I was.... I see some pictures and I'm like...WHOA... I looked like that? And I know I could look like that again....
But I looked at pictures from before I met courteney basically.... And then I started to look at recent pictures...and in comparison I'm FUCKING huge!!! I mean, I'm not monstrously huge or anything... But I'm fucking big compared to what I used to be.... I would be considered overly obese.... and it's not fun anymore.... It's not fucking cool.... I don't want this... I've been working on it...but it's fucking hard...and if I wasn't so stupid, and didn't go out with that stupid fast food obsessed bitch I would most likely be awesome like I was before.... It's heartbreaking... I saw some pics of her recently...wow.

I never realized how upset I was until now... I think this is what triggered the sudden depression...lol...
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I feel so foolish...
Basically, I have jumped into a relationship with Lindsay, and I feel confident that we would be a good couple.... Key word Confident.... I want to be POSITIVE... but I can't be positive until she is here on her visit next month....so I'm nervous for that...
I'm finding that our msn conversations are slowing... like... I tried not starting a conversation.... and nothing is typed... at all... that scares me... I mean, sure two people can't have conversations everynight for weeks and then NOT run out of things...

It's just... I don't know, I think alot of her, and she's coming over next month to try a trial visit... and I am excited for it. If it works out, then she will be moving here in September/Octoberish..... there's always the question of "what if?"... what if we would make a good couple? What if we would have a long lasting happy relationship? or better yet, what if she is the one??

The same goes for her though... I mean, she appears to be like crazy in love with me...why? I suppose she claimed that the few times we hung out in the past, she was really attracted to me.... but is She jumping into things to fast? Is this something She will regret?? who the hell knows....

Everything is going perfectly...

OK! So I was starting to get pretty stressed financially. Because as a casual employee with public works I was only making 12.30 an hour...which barely feeds a person out here...let alone pay the bills. So I was getting stressed until a bid for a permanent job becomes available, I bid on that and get it and my wage goes to 18.60 an hour. They paid for me to take an air brakes course. PLUS! They paid for me to take a loader operator course. :D

So I'm working in the loader now, It's TOTALLY fun! You basically are controlling a life size tonka toy, No more being a kid with an imagination...this is the real deal.

Jeff, Adam and I are going to be renting this big, beautiful 4 bedroom house as of august. The band is going to thrive on this. And Jono is coming in February!!! I'm soooo excited! :)

Anyhoo, I'm gonna play a computer game until lindz comes online....laterz!

Totally lying...

She's so awesome!!! I feel like I've known her forever.

After a few days of talking... We have alot more in common than I thought!!! I'm totally in heart right now. Can't wait to get her out here! (She's in ontario.)

Kinda worried...

I find myself almost scared to get into another relationship...
I mean, I like Lindsay, she seems like a sweetheart...but Do I know her??? Not 100 percent, everything about her so far has been awesome...

Am I jumping into things too soon again???

I mean, since I've moved I've had other girls tell me that they want to move and be with me and yadayada... And I didn't act on that...because I wasn't comfortable with these girls. And then Lindsay told me that she was thinking about me all yesterday and talked about me, and it was the same way with me....

She's extremely social though... I kinda am... Our tastes in music differ...that plays a huge role for me.... I just can't listen to dance music in the country or hip hop genre... I know she's into some metal though.

I'm kinda scared....fuck... lol

No longer single!

I'm now officially going out with like omfg the coolest girl ever :D

Her name is Lindsay, and she's a sweetheart :)

She's in Ontario right now, but she's moving here very soon. And we're going to go on a trip to Banff!!! :D The pics john and wendy took were really gorgeous, I need to see that place again. It's been about 14 years!!!

I'm really excited!