Starting to feel lost again...

I had a rant that didn't make sense...but you know me.... I always have to throw in the details... even if the wrong people read it... and the right people too :D

So all is going pretty good life wise, I'm working on the loader and watching the recycle yard and compost yard. Making pretty good money, The car works great, and I decided to finance a really good computer instead of going through the hassle of building one.

I get alot of comments and stuff about how good looking I am.... FUCKING LIES...
I just went through every fucking picture that I own.... From high school to fucking now.... WHY...WHY THE FUCK DID I THINK I WAS FAT THEN??? I was the perfect size... I was 220 pounds... fucking perfect... that's all I needed...220 pounds... mostly muscle...a little chubby in the tummy...that's it...
Then at about 19, I was really proud of how good looking I was.... I see some pictures and I'm like...WHOA... I looked like that? And I know I could look like that again....
But I looked at pictures from before I met courteney basically.... And then I started to look at recent pictures...and in comparison I'm FUCKING huge!!! I mean, I'm not monstrously huge or anything... But I'm fucking big compared to what I used to be.... I would be considered overly obese.... and it's not fun anymore.... It's not fucking cool.... I don't want this... I've been working on it...but it's fucking hard...and if I wasn't so stupid, and didn't go out with that stupid fast food obsessed bitch I would most likely be awesome like I was before.... It's heartbreaking... I saw some pics of her recently...wow.

I never realized how upset I was until now... I think this is what triggered the sudden depression...lol...
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I feel so foolish...
Basically, I have jumped into a relationship with Lindsay, and I feel confident that we would be a good couple.... Key word Confident.... I want to be POSITIVE... but I can't be positive until she is here on her visit next month....so I'm nervous for that...
I'm finding that our msn conversations are slowing... like... I tried not starting a conversation.... and nothing is typed... at all... that scares me... I mean, sure two people can't have conversations everynight for weeks and then NOT run out of things...

It's just... I don't know, I think alot of her, and she's coming over next month to try a trial visit... and I am excited for it. If it works out, then she will be moving here in September/Octoberish..... there's always the question of "what if?"... what if we would make a good couple? What if we would have a long lasting happy relationship? or better yet, what if she is the one??

The same goes for her though... I mean, she appears to be like crazy in love with me...why? I suppose she claimed that the few times we hung out in the past, she was really attracted to me.... but is She jumping into things to fast? Is this something She will regret?? who the hell knows....